byNatashaVargas-Cooper

WhatdoyoungwomenreallytalkaboutwhentheytalkaboutTheTwilightSaga:Eclipse?

WeaskedexpertsMaryHKChoiandNatashaVargas-Coopertofillusin。

Warning:containsspoilers,multiplepopculturereferencesandgraphicsexuallanguage!

Theiranalysismayalsocausesudden-onsetepilepsyinpeopleunder18orover?

33。

NatashaVargas-Cooper:WhatareyourloinstellingyouaboutTwilightPart3。

Sparklequest?

MaryHKChoi:WELLZ。

ILOVED?

it!

Natasha:ItwasexactlywhatI?

desired。

Mary:EXACTLY。

Mary:Plus?

Thedialoguewasbetterthis?

time。

Mary:Lasttime,Ihadtore-upmyunderstandingnessandsuspensionofdisbeliefevery6secondsbecauseofthedialogue。

Thistime?

DIDNOTHAVE?

TO。

Natasha:Whatwasyourfavorite?

scene!

Mary:Well,honestly,Iknoweveryone’sgonnabeonsomebean-diddlingmasturbationishwiththebig“tent?

scene。



Mary:AndofcourseItoohadwonderedabouttheEdwardandJacob“tent?

scene。



Natasha:Brokeback2k10!

Mary:Withripstop?

nylon。

Natasha:MADHOMO?

VIBES。

Mary:McGOTES。

Natasha:SOOOO?

HOT。

Mary:Youngprettyhomos?

HOT!

Natasha:Iwaslike,SLEEPINGBAGTAGTEAM?

ENGAGE!

Mary:AlsoBellaisonFULLREM-STATESLEEP?

mode。

Mary:Icouldhavedefinitelygoneinonsomemeaningfulglances,knucklegrazingwiththeforefinger。

Natasha:Withwolfboy’sbonerinher?

back!

Mary:LUPINETUMESCENCE。

Natasha:WasyouraudienceTeamEdwardorTeamJacobthis?

time?

Mary:Myarea(Iwassittingwiththeyoungs)werehardcoreCullen?

fans。

Mary:ButtherewasaconcentrationofTEAMJACOBpeopleclusteredinthecenterofthescreeningandtheywerelosingtheirdamn?

minds。

Mary:YObutyouknow?

what?

Mary:NEWTEAM:TEAM?

JASPER。

Natasha:LETSTALKON?

JASP。

Mary:Imean,OK,tooootallyracistbecausehewasaConfederatesoldier,becauseConfederate,BUThewasbeingmanipulatedbyoneofyour?

peoples!

Natasha:TheCholaCovenofVampires!

Natasha:ThisJasperkidisamazingbutcanhe?

act?

Mary:Noway。

Besidethe?

point。

Natasha:Doesitmatter?

Withthoserascalyracist?

eyes!

Mary:Tooootallynotthepoint!

HiseyesruuuuuuledinTwilight12andthenwewereREWARDEDandhisaccentwasHILARIOUSandhishairissoooo?

CRONCHY!

Mary:AndIloveitallto?

pieces

Natasha:RUFFLED?

SHIRT!

Mary:YESBUT,andthisiswhatgotme:totalmercilesskiller。

Mary:Coldhearted?

snake。

Mary:COLD?

ONE。

Natasha:Killerofchildren!

Mary:YesandIdigthat。

Itshows…fortitude。

Natasha:Yes,let’stalkaboutthenewbornvampires。

Mary:Tome,itwaslike,blablablablaandIhatedthatonebunbunvampirebaby,zzzzzzzzSNOREzzzzzzz。

Natasha:ThishowIfeltaboutthereservationscenes!

Iwaslike,“HushupHawaiians!

”INEEDMOREABSINMY?

EYES。

Mary:Thefolklore!

Mary:GAWD。

Mary:It’slikebeinginvitedtoapartyandhavingtogotoCHURCH。

Like,ew,really?

Firesidetabernacle?

Natasha:Wheredoesyourloyaltylieonthis3rdinstallment?

AndwhyaregirlsTeamJacobinfirst?

place?

Mary:YouknowIam100%team?

Edward。

Mary:BUT。

Mary:IwasmadatEdward’sgroomerthisinstallment。

Natasha:WHATTHEFUCKWASWITHHIS?

HAIR?

Next:Whatthefuckwaswithhis?

hair?

Mary:Hiseyebrowsweremehandhisfuckingsideburns?

Okay:bounceratanIrish?

bar。

Natasha:Toodrum?

circle。

Natasha:Alsothereareangleswherehelooksalittletoad-like?

Mary:YES。

Becausehishairlinewastoolowandhiseyebrowsweretooflatandhisburnsencroached。

Mary:Hence…givesbad?

head。

Mary:AAAAAAAAND-

Mary:ThisinstallmentwasSOnotEdward-y?

enough。

Natasha:NEVER?

IS!

Mary:Like,really?

withyourwhole,OHIONLYDOVIRGINSMURRRRRYMEBLABLABLABORING。

Mary:Andnotenoughvoluturigonnatearmyalabastershit?

up。

Natasha:Buthowstrongwerethefuckfumesduringtheirmakeoutseshies?

Mary:OHSO?

STRONG。

Natasha:Iwasactuallysquirmingandaching!

LIKEPLEASEGODLETBE?

MEEEEE。

Natasha:IfeellikegirlswhoareTeamJacobdonotunderstandthatBellaisFireandJacobis?

Fire。

Natasha:Toomuchfire!

Toomanyfeelings!

Mary:YES。

TOOCINDERELLY。

Natasha:Tay-TaygetsanOscarformostimproved。

Thistime。

Hereallytriedtoemotewithhisneck,tradsand?

SOUL。

Mary:I’mtotallygonnabonemeadudethatwearsshorts,noshirts,andtrainerswithinviso?

socks。

Mary:Because:HOTandthatisSOnotmy?

style。

Natasha:WHATABOUTTHEWOLF?

GIRL?

Mary:Oh?

shit。

Mary:WhataboutIMPRINTING?

Natasha:IMPRINTONMY?

FACE。

Mary:Butlike,ICANHAZTHREESOME?

Natasha:Also,IfeellikeBellawasactingafoolwithR。

Pattz。

Youcannotjusthoponawolfbro’sbikeandexpectthemostgoodlookingmanoftheundeadtobelike“Oh,heregirl,immaholdur?

purse。



Mary:ButyouknowwhatwastheG?

move?

Mary:HEHELDHERDAMNPURSE。

Sotome?

Propsto?

Bella。

Natasha:True。

Thatbishwasfinding?

herself。

Mary:Whatwasupwitheveryone“shattering”liketheywerefreeze-driedfruit?

Isthatthebaselinenow?

Ifeellikeweshould’vegottenawarningon?

that。

Natasha:LiketheTerminator2stylenitrogen?

shit?

Mary:YES。

Natasha:Ididn’tknowthatallyouhadtodotokillavampirewaslike…?

aim?

Natasha:Okay,somyfavoritescenewhenEdwardwaslike,“Girl,InmytimeIwouldhavecourted?

you…

Mary:HEREWE?

GO。

Natasha:“Andwewouldhavedrankiceteaonaporch,andmaybestolenakiss。

ButIwanttomarryyoubeforewebang”?

—?

(yes,Iparaphrase)-

Natasha:Andlike,damngirl,somethinginsidemewas?

like:

Natasha:‘DEARGOD,YES’。

Fuckinggetonyourkneesandtellmeyouwannameetmydaddybeforeyougowhippingoutyour?

peen!

Mary:FASCINATING。

ThatwasTOOOOOOTALLYthepartIwould’veffwd’edrightthroughbecauseit’ssooooooooodie-cutbookcoverwithmetalliccursive?

title。

Natasha:Ohmy?

God。

Mary:IAMFULLON100%CLOWNINGYOU。

Ithinkit’ssweetthatthat’syourfavoritescene,like,honestly:itmakesmewanttohug?

you。

Natasha:Itwasmadromantic。

Itmademefeellikea?

lady!

Mary:HeisavampirethatisENOUGHMAKEBELIEVEFOR?

ME。

Natasha:It’slikethatsceneinSEXANDTHECITYSEASON?

6。

Natasha:WhenAleksanderplaysthepianoforherandCarriewaslike“Toomuch!

Toomuch!

”andIwaslike,‘No,yougoonRussianBilly?

Joel。



Mary:Yeahbut。

it’ssodouchechills。

OH,speakingofdouchechills…pavécocktailengagementringBARRRRRRFmuch?

Whatwasthat?

A?

shield?

Natasha:EvenFrodohadadoper?

ring。

Mary:Ithinkthat’swhenthemoviebrokealittleformeandthecornyshitEddiewasdishingoutwaslike,wahwahwahwah。

I’mnotreallytryingtogetaroundemeryboardlookingthingformyengagementring。

Natasha:IwasalittlemiffedthatEddiedidnotfuckinglayitdownwhenBellawasmakingoutwith?

Tay。

Mary:Iwasn’t。

Youknowwhatthat?

was?

Natasha:Tell?

me

Mary:ThatwasSMITH?

JARED。

Natasha:Oh?

shit。

Mary:WhenhewaitsatthebottomoftheelevatorafterSamanthafucks?

Richard?

Mary:BOOM。

Natasha:“Justwantedtomakesureyougothome?

okay。



Natasha:You’re?

right。

Mary:AndTHATis?

hot。

Natasha:Youknow,InoticedaboutDavidSlade’sdirection:therewerenonstopcloseups。

Thisisdefinitelythebestcraftedbutlike,whenhewouldpullbackandyouwouldseetheseteenagersbeinglikeSADFACE,itfeltwaysilly。

SoitwasawaysmartmovetokeepthatshitTIGHTlockedonthe?

FACE。

Mary:Alsowhenyou’relockedsocloseonthefacethatyoualmostcan’ttellwhatyou’relooking?

at。

Natasha:Girl,seriousquestionhere:DOYOUTHINKBELLAISMAKINGAMISTAKE?

INRE:TRANSFORMINGINTOATRUEBLOODCHARACTER?

Natasha:Like,IcanseetheappealofJacobinthat?

sense。

Mary:Ican?

too。

Natasha:Whereheislike,‘No,Iwanttoyouhavehumanfeelingsandahumanlife。

INMAH?

TENT。



Mary:Especiallywhenhewaslike,IAMNOTFUCKINGWITHYOUWHENYOUAREACOLD?

ONE。

Mary:Idon’tthinkI’d?

turn。

Mary:Wouldyou?

turn?

Natasha:Damnthisisagoodquestion。

Mary:That’slikemarriagetimesa?

MILLION。

Natasha:Idon’tthinkI?

would。

Mary:Like,seriously,whatareyouroptionsafterthat?

FuckwithFacinelli?

SeeifJasperwouldthrow?

down?

Natasha:Andyou’dhavetohangoutintheDwell/WestElmHouseO’Cullen。

Mary:“I’vealwaysbeendepressedandoutofstepsopshawbeingavampireisNoBig?

Deal?



Mary:THATisherexplanationforwantingtoturn?

Becauseyoudon’twanttolivelikeaCymbaltacommercial?

Natasha:Also,WHYDOESN’TDAKOTIESHAVEMORESCENES?

Thatbitchislikeamini-Meryl。

Natasha:So,dowefeelthatthisthebestofthefranchise?

Mary:Idoforsure。

Iwillalwayshaveasoftspotfor#1because#1wassooooooooooooooangstyandandIamgayfor?

angst。

Natasha:ItwaslikeaPearlJam?

video!

Mary:ACollectiveSoul?

video。

Natasha:Sooverall,highlightsinclude:Jaspsie’ssoutherngentility,tentman-2-manthreatofthreeway,triptoPhilippinesviawolfpack。

Natasha:Lowlightsinclude:gaudyassrings,unrulyeyebrowz,toolowonmuchneeded?

angst。

Mary:AND?